“PERFECT” PARENTING
If only “fixing” your child’s behaviors were as simple as fixing a broken appliance. Raising a “well-behaved and well-mannered” adolescent can be complicated, challenging, frustrating, and sometimes even intolerable. As children get older, they can become difficult to understand, often leaving parents with more questions than answers. We know there are no easy solutions, however, a few time-tested strategies may be helpful.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
You can never communicate too much. As the saying goes, failure to communicate is not an option. While results may not be immediate, open and calm communication lays the groundwork for meaningful improvement. Aim to start conversations when everyone is calm and there’s plenty of uninterrupted time to talk.
Be a good and attentive listener.
Try to avoid interrupting or becoming defensive, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. Make a true effort to understand their perspective, even when you disagree or think their statements are inaccurate. Try not to criticize and instead ask thoughtful, calm questions to show that you're really listening. But choose your words carefully. Calling something they say stupid might be internalized as you calling them stupid. It’s OK to say, “I hear you, and I’d like some time to think about what you’ve shared.”
Consider allowing some flexibility.
As your child moves into young adulthood, it may be time to revisit and adjust some household rules. Involving them in this process can foster a sense of responsibility and mutual understanding. Explain why certain rules are in place, then invite their suggestions and ideas on how to effectively manage the consequences when the rules are not followed.
4. Express appreciation for their input and their willingness to share their feelings.
Encouraging open, positive communication helps build stronger connections. Gently promote some involvement in household responsibilities, but don’t force it. Instead, look for opportunities to acknowledge and appreciate their contributions to the family.
5. Avoid arguing, raising voices, and using negative language.
It’s okay to step away If things start to escalate, Be willing to disengage and calmly say something like “Let’s take a break and come back to this conversation when we’re both feeling calmer and ready to talk.”
6. Look for opportunities to have positive interactions.
Try to have moments together that aren’t centered around rules or potential conflicts. Make time to simply enjoy each other’s company—even if it’s just for 10 or 15 minutes. Prioritize these moments, even when other tasks may seem more important.
7. Consider family therapy.
Rather than recommending therapy just for your child, explore the option of family therapy. This allows everyone to work toward healthier ways of interacting and communicating. Your openness to seeking professional support may also inspire your child to want to do the same
8. Model self-discipline.
Lead by example, steering clear of negative or disrespectful interactions. Instead, set a positive tone for your family by raising the standard for how you engage with others.
Contrary to what we might hope for, there’s no such thing as a “perfect” family dynamic. So, don’t be too hard on yourself when things don’t go as planned. Parenting is a journey with an imperfect roadmap. Every child is wired differently, as are the parents who raise them.
Whatever your situation looks like right now, it's likely shaped by a complex mix of influences. Rather than dwelling on what hasn’t gone perfectly, focus on what lies ahead, striving to be the best version of yourself you can be by modeling the values and behaviors you hope to instill in your child. Patience, empathy, and the courage to seek help can become some of your greatest strengths.